Blog Virgin

Well today is my first day of blogging and to be honest, I'm actually pretty nervous about it. Hmm... maybe nervous isn't quite the right word, but nonetheless I'm a bit aprehensive. After spending quite a lot of intentional time with myself over the last couple weeks, I have had ample time and opportunity to fully self-assess. The conclusion that I have reached is that when it comes to dealing with emotions and feelings, I'm very superficial and fake. I have a surface self that I portray. I present a girl who is overly happy, crazy, full of life, sarcastic, flirty, and fun, and the list can go on and on.

About a week or two ago though, I had a breakthrough. I was having a heart to heart with a man that I work with and he completely saw through my facade. He could see past my surface portrayal of over-exuberance and actually saw me... it really scared me. Here I was thinking that I had everyone fooled, and he completely saw through it. It got me on a thinking kick though....

Maybe instead of trying to pretend to be so much more than I really am for the sake of everyone else, I need to be honest about who the real me is. But in order to do that, I need to first be honest with myself and figure out exactly who it is that makes up me. I'm not here saying that my outgoing and fun-loving personality is completely fake, because it's not. That's a huge part of who I am, but what I've come to realize is that I play it up so much more than what's necessary. I'm scared to let people see me as anything other than perfect. I'm terrified to be vulnerable and I completely shy away from serious conversations. I don't know what it is that makes me feel as if I need to portray someone who is always strong and indestructable, but somewhere along the way that mentality manifested itself in my head.

I have an amazing ability to destroy every romantic relationship that comes my way and always wind up alone and unhappy. That in turn, makes me feel as if I need to be so much stronger and tough, which leads to me not letting people get close.... ruining more relationships. Quite the vicious cycle I've created for myself. The crazy thing about self-inflicted vicious cycles is that although I'm totally aware of its presence and its causes, I feel so completely entangled and trapped within its wild web, that I feel as if there's no possible way to get out... leaving me absolutely and uncomprehensively overwhelmed.

So as a first step to bettering myself and as a desperate last attempt at normalcy in every sense, I've decided to start blogging. To start writing my thoughts, regardless of how random. Case in point; I was just going to write a few things about myself today and this monstrosity is what ended up pouring out of my fingertips. I guess I really do need to experience the therapeutic effects of writing and organizing my thoughts and feelings....

Here's to me.....