Mommy

My mother is one of the biggest role models in my life and I pray to God that someday I can so much as be even half the woman she is:

She is a Christian.
She is a Woman of God.
She is a Wife.
She is a Mother.
She is a Daughter.
She is a Sister.
She is a Friend.
She is a Listener.
She is a Singer.
She is Faithful.
She is a Provider.
She is an Inspiration.
She is a Hard Worker.
She is a Dog Owner.
She is an Artist.
She is a Republican.
She is a Writer.
She is a Bad Driver.
She is Gentle.
She is a Shopper.
She is a Decorator.
She is Glamorous.
She is Laid Back.
She is a Worrier.
She is a Lover.
She is Passionate.
She is a Gardner.
She is a Visionary.
She is a Critic.
She is Terrible with Technology.
She is a Cook.
She is Joyful.
She is a Cleaner.
She is a Homeowner.
She is a Hairstylist.
She is a Sight for Sore Eyes.
She is a Helper.
She is Kind.
She is a Talker.
She is a Loud Laugher.
She is a Beautiful Woman.
She is Full of Ideas.
She is a Designer.
She is Patient.
She is Stubborn.
She is Generous.
She is Creative.
She is Intelligent.
She is a Hard Worker.
She is Diligent.
She is Colorful.
She is a Math Whiz.
She is an Exerciser.
She is Involved.
She is Busy.
She is a Reader.
She is a Writer.
She is Sharing.
She is Hot-Tempered.
She is a Soccer Mom.
She is a Band Mom.
She is a Volunteer.
She is Willing.
She is Photogenic.
She is Appreciative.
She is a Traveler.
She is an Appreciater of Little Things.
She sees Beauty in Everything.
She is Dedicated.
She is a Photographer.
She is an Angel.

My mother is the most amazing woman I have ever met. I could make this list go on forever and never exhaust how wonderful she is on every possible level. Tomorrow will be a wonderful Mother's Day for her, just like all the rest, but I hope and pray that I will be able to make every day special for her in its own little way...even if just to call to say 'I Love You'.

I love you Mommy.....
Forever.

"Women have the relationships that they create"

Today out of the blue, while I was entering items on the database at work, a phrase I recently heard or saw on tv (not quite sure which one) surfaced in my mind....

"Women have the relationships that they create"

Seems simple enough, eh? Well, when I thought about it a little deeper, I realized that this statement really holds quite a bit of poignancy. I've always wondered why I've never been in a successful relationship with a man and why there is always some massive flaw or error dooming the relationship from the word 'go', and ultimately causing it to fail. I always chalked it up to being the fault of the man; I always date 'bad boys', he did this or that wrong, he cheated on me, he wouldn't commit, etc etc etc., yet after letting my thoughts linger on that statement for a while, I realized that the fault was not in the men I date (despite all their obvious flaws), the fault instead belongs to me.

Understanding that "women have the relationships that they create", forced me to reflect on all my past (and many) relationships. Even if the man I was dating at the time was not treating me well or being a good boyfriend, the fact of the matter is that I let them be and act the way that they did. It has taken me a very long time to realize that the power to create a healthy relationship lies within me, and the reason I have had so many awful ones is because I let it happen.

I have let men walk all over me, take advantage of my generosity, patience, and forgiveness, scream and verbally abuse me, belittle me to no end, act like crazy jealous fools, make themselves and their friends a priority over me, never tell me I'm beautiful, not put forth any effort whatsoever to make me feel special or to make the relationship work, never call me when they say they will, not try to get to know my family or show any interest in my passions, make every excuse in the book to not follow through, not think twice about sending me flowers or a nice card 'just because', never want to have stimulating conversations or learn anything about each other, be totally satisfied with being average.....

That is by no means what I want, but I let it all happen... I creat those situations for myself by not standing up for what things should be. I put up with all the crap they throw my way in the hopes that maybe some good would come out of it. Well, I'm sick of it. I am not going to have anymore nasty and unhealthy relationships created and tolerated by me. I am not going to put up with a man that doesn't treat me like a princess. Does this sound high maintenance? well too bad. It's about damn time for me to be a little high maintenance. If I'm willing to put everything that I have into a relationship, then I'm going to expect the same. I'm tired of being so nice all the time with no reciprocation at all. The only thing it does is make me feel awful about myself. I'm sick of being the only one to make any effort at all to hold things together, especially if the relationship is long distance. If I'm willing to walk a mile, my man damn well better be willing to walk two. I'm sick of putting myself out there just to wind up broken and hurt.

I am so exhausted with the run around games that men play, and am finished with being used. I am done settling for men that aren't willing to travel the earth a million times over to be with me. It's hard to see my friends getting married and dating men that completely adore them. Although I don't by any means wish away their happiness, seeing how these look at their women with complete adoration and unconditional love is something I've never experienced. It can definitely get me down at times and remind me of what I don't have and never felt. Seven years of unhealthy and failed relationships have jaded me almost to the point of no return and left me feeling worthless and small. I don't think it's too much to ask for someone to genuinely care about me and do whatever is within their power to express it.

"Women have the relationships that they create"... I guess I need to start creating better ones.

Blog Virgin

Well today is my first day of blogging and to be honest, I'm actually pretty nervous about it. Hmm... maybe nervous isn't quite the right word, but nonetheless I'm a bit aprehensive. After spending quite a lot of intentional time with myself over the last couple weeks, I have had ample time and opportunity to fully self-assess. The conclusion that I have reached is that when it comes to dealing with emotions and feelings, I'm very superficial and fake. I have a surface self that I portray. I present a girl who is overly happy, crazy, full of life, sarcastic, flirty, and fun, and the list can go on and on.

About a week or two ago though, I had a breakthrough. I was having a heart to heart with a man that I work with and he completely saw through my facade. He could see past my surface portrayal of over-exuberance and actually saw me... it really scared me. Here I was thinking that I had everyone fooled, and he completely saw through it. It got me on a thinking kick though....

Maybe instead of trying to pretend to be so much more than I really am for the sake of everyone else, I need to be honest about who the real me is. But in order to do that, I need to first be honest with myself and figure out exactly who it is that makes up me. I'm not here saying that my outgoing and fun-loving personality is completely fake, because it's not. That's a huge part of who I am, but what I've come to realize is that I play it up so much more than what's necessary. I'm scared to let people see me as anything other than perfect. I'm terrified to be vulnerable and I completely shy away from serious conversations. I don't know what it is that makes me feel as if I need to portray someone who is always strong and indestructable, but somewhere along the way that mentality manifested itself in my head.

I have an amazing ability to destroy every romantic relationship that comes my way and always wind up alone and unhappy. That in turn, makes me feel as if I need to be so much stronger and tough, which leads to me not letting people get close.... ruining more relationships. Quite the vicious cycle I've created for myself. The crazy thing about self-inflicted vicious cycles is that although I'm totally aware of its presence and its causes, I feel so completely entangled and trapped within its wild web, that I feel as if there's no possible way to get out... leaving me absolutely and uncomprehensively overwhelmed.

So as a first step to bettering myself and as a desperate last attempt at normalcy in every sense, I've decided to start blogging. To start writing my thoughts, regardless of how random. Case in point; I was just going to write a few things about myself today and this monstrosity is what ended up pouring out of my fingertips. I guess I really do need to experience the therapeutic effects of writing and organizing my thoughts and feelings....

Here's to me.....